I guess I should dust off my keyboard after my months-long absence this year. There has been so much that has happened I’m not even sure where to begin honestly. Firstly I must apologize for my long absence. Not all of it was due to negative influences, but moreso lack of time. I just completed my undergraduate studies, and officially achieved my bachelors degree in military history. This has been a very long, challenging, but often rewarding experience. Many of you who visit my blog know I have never had a good “home life”, even as a child, so this milestone was for myself, to prove I could rise above “where I came from”. I did it. I feel a sense of relief in so many ways, but also an aire of sadness. I will be 30 years old in Juanuary, and the sadness comes from thoughts that I should have done this years ago. However, I have also come to a very striking realization this year: Your timeline is yours. Things that happen, well, they happen for a reason. Perhaps to teach a life lesson, perhaps to ensure you’ve grown in ways you didn’t expect, but regardless you should never judge yourself simply because you didn’t do things in the right order”.
As many of you may be aware, my marital problems escalated to new heights within the last couple of years, and as a result of this my husband and I have separated. As he currently is unemployed I have allowed him to remain residing in my home under the premise of assisting in child care for my daughter. Her father and I co-parent very well now, and he does not particularly like this idea due to my soon to be ex-husband often not paying close attention to Em, however as neither of us can afford outside childcare we both agree that at least, for now, it will work. That’s another thing that has me “down in the dumps” right now. Twice divorced by 30. Never thought I’d follow that particular genetic statistic. There’s a plus side if you will, in that I have begun to find myself. Not in the spiritual sense by any means (yet) but I have truly found what it means to live for yourself. This doesn’t mean to live a selfish life hurting others for gain, but rather, living your life not according to someone else’s actions or dictations. Looking back on this year so far, it has been more than challenging due to COVID, probably one of the hardest financially for me honestly. There were times I couldn’t afford to pay a utility bill, or my car payment was late, but there was a simple beauty and freeing thought in finally realizing that for me to be happy I had to follow my own path.
While things are still very much uncertain, I can say that I feel hope, not only for my future but for Em’s as well. I have realized I do not need another to be happy, in fact I am most happy with just me and Em in the forefront of my mind, and that is my driving force to continue to improve. I have some very ambitious goals for myself, and have begun a “Five Year Plan”. You know the story. Someone has an epiphany and finally gets some logical goals set up. Stay tuned for that, as well as my first attempt at primitive camping when I completely forgot half my supplies and refused to go home.
I plan on ending 2020 on a high note, and bringing 2021 literally a new me with determination I have never felt before. I feel my purpose just just beyond my understanding currently, yet is peaking its way through the clouds.