January 2020: Recap
January in general was a very strange month in that there were many ups, a few downs, but overall I saw major improvement in my life. I think I have gotten so used to “bad things always happening” that any time things begin to go in a positive direction I get extremely suspicious.
I finally got my phone replaced and through my new phone company an iPad. I’ve jumped back on the iOS bandwagon apparently. Which consequently I was already looking at buying a refurbished MacBook (because new is expensive :O)
I have also noticed that my anxiety, while not getting better, is less prevalent in its effect on my life in general. I have made many of the positive changes I had hoped to make last year, and a lot of that is due to my personal and professional life showing improvement.
The most positive influence on my month was the creation of my own space. I took two old end tables, pushed them together and put a pink sheet on top. Very simple D.I.Y. desk area for the time being, but its aesthetically appealing enough to be in the living room area, and still allows me to be around my family when doing homework. I am hoping this will allow me to get work done easier and on time.
My husband made a decision to finally deal with his addictive behaviour, which has added a multitude of stress at home. (See paragraph below)
My anxiety is still controlling my life much more than I want it to. For instance, I have all of my finances paid for January, and yet all I am doing instead of feeling proud for finally getting a handle on them for the month is panicking about the coming weeks.
The month has been all about me trying to get my finances, personal life, and home all in order. It’s like a bad rendition of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.” However, finances were all good for January. Of course, we are now into February. My home life is shaping up as far as the house itself is concerned. I was able to spruce up the dark dreary feel a bit, but my personal life is still a hot mess so that will be February’s primary focus.
Bad Habits are Hard to Break
As many of you know, my husband has struggled with substance abuse issues for longer than I have known him. Whether it be THC consumption or alcohol consumption, often both, he was never without a numbing agent. Ten years, to be specific, since the traumatic death of his mother. He has also never been a person known for communicating his feelings. However, the month of January has been good to him overall. He communicates his fears of “dealing with reality without a buffer” as he put it more often than I have ever been privy to. He is younger than I am by 4 years, putting him at 25. He’s struggled with dependency in some form or fashion since the age of 15. He is 3 weeks sober, and I can clearly see the toll it has taken on him, but I can also the positives coming to light despite the bad days he still experiences, despite the lessening frequency of them. Through this important change in his life, I have taken a new approach. Instead of enabling him, I have taken a firm but compassionate take this time and while supporting him I also have attempted to redirect his anger and depression and have noticed boredom is the worst trigger for an addict of any form. I’ve shared a bit of this story to say that if you know someone struggling with any form of dependency, do not make them feel ashamed or worthless, because you will simply keep the cycle going. Instead, a firm but understanding approach can make the world of difference. A Person is not necessarily a bad person because they made a bad decision.